Still good.

I'm sharing my testimony, my story, tonight at community group. As I was preparing for that this morning, I was going through some CDs and "stumbled" upon this one: Sing Over Me. I put it in the DVD player to play it through the TV {I like that our TV is used for music now} and continued on with my morning, making breakfast, drinking tea...until the third song, which disarmed me.

It was "You are Good" sung by Nichole Nordeman {one of my favorites always}. I forgot this song makes the tears well up at the first word, every time. And then at this line, I completely lose it:
So how can I thank You? What can I bring?
What can these poor hands lay at the feet of the King?

{listen to the song here}

Because now, at 31, I really feel this. I feel so humbled and broken and sorrowful, yet full of joy and more whole than I ever have in my life...if it's possible to feel all of that at once.

For the majority of my life, I thought I was the good one. I was raised to love God and "worship Christ" {whatever that means} and to attend church, and that was what I needed to do to be a Christian. It was easy to say I trusted Him when I got A-pluses and everyone thought I was the best and I ruled the youth group.

Then, I didn't know Him as the One who is in the slums of India as much as inside my room at night, when I was so scared of the dark that I couldn't sleep. I didn't know Him as one who would rather my life be difficult with Him than comfortable without Him. I get it now...all those times, He was trying to win me.

I never want to forget what I felt at this moment in India - unworthy to even pray for these people who kept coming to me in this concrete room, in the middle of a pasture, so far away from everything familiar. It all felt so sticky hot and humid and foreign and uncomfortable, but at the same time, exactly what I was made for.

Tonight as I share my story, I want to celebrate that there is no goodness in me. I'm so glad I know this now. HE is good. So good.

When the Sun starts to rise and I open my eyes
You are Good, So Good
In the heat of the day with each stone that I lay
You are so Good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
When the moon climbs high before each kiss good night
You are Good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learned
You are good, So Good
And when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me stand
You are...So Good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am loved and
You are Good

So how can I thank You? What can I bring?
What can these poor hands lay at the feet of the King?
So I'll sing You a love song
It's all that I have to tell You
I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't find my soul
You are Good, So Good
When the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay
You are STILL Good

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
Though the storms they may swell, even then, it is well and
You are Good

So how can I thank You? What can I bring?
What can these poor hands lay at the feet of the King?
So I'll sing You a love song
It's all that I have to tell You
I'm grateful for holding my life in Your hands

You are holding my life in Your hands